It might be a bold move to go from three months of radio silence to posting an article about the nerd pariah that is Twilight but I just couldn’t help myself. I often can’t control the things my mind wanders into. Ask someone who has had a conversation with me, depending on the caffeine intake it can look a lot like a conversation with this guy.
This morning my brain thought, “Huh, one more Twilight book would be awesome as long as…” and then I had a long string of thoughts that I don’t want to say I’m proud of but then also I secretly am proud of it. In my mind I have made Twilight less shitty, so basically I’m a superhero.
This first stipulation here is that Stephanie Meyer unequivocally is not allowed to write it. I don’t want to be that guy that judges someone else’s work when they have little success of their own, but if she never created another character or story ever again that would be a best case scenario. The issue for me is that she is just decent enough to be very very bad. Characters are half thought out and story lines are wrapped up in a bow that is always too neat or they aren’t wrapped up at all. So basically, no more Meyer. Coincidentally, for the right amount of money I believe I could be convinced to write anything so publishing people who are obviously reading this right now: If you like what you see I am available.
The second stipulation is that it never be made into a movie, because I believe in making the world a better place, and no good can come from that.
You must now be asking yourself why exactly I think that Twilight Book 5: Everyone Gets What They Deserve is a good idea. Well here it is…
Book Four ends with Bella and Edward raising their daughter Reneesme (Stupidest name I’ve ever had to type, from now on I’m calling her Reme). Both parents are both ageless vampires but it has been established that their daughter ages at around twice the speed of a normal human if not more. Think for a second about the questions that would have to be answered as that kid grows up:
- Would her life expectancy be half of a normal person’s?
- Would she continue to learn until she went mad having no equal in the human race?
- Would her ageless parents have to watch as she turned thirty with the wrinkles of a sixty year old and babbled to herself in a corner because she was nuts?
I’m going with option three. That’s what Book 5 should be about. You don’t get to trick mother nature into letting you birth a demon child with no consequences. That kid should obviously ruin your life.
Now let’s build on to that. Taylor Lautner’s werewolf character was named….John, Ju.. something with a J..Jacob, it’s definitely Jacob. What do we know about werewolf Jacob? He has imprinted on this monstrosity. The books establish that this imprinting will stop his aging until Reme reaches his age then he would continue to age so they can be together. If she ages at double the rate of people, doesn’t that mean that he would too once they get to the same age? In the name of forced love and without any choice he would age twice as quickly as he otherwise would and die a premature death. That’s what you get when you fall in love with the daughter of your supposed first love.
Bella and Edward would then have to live for eternity knowing that they doomed their own child to a terrible life.
I’d like to reiterate at this point that I don’t feel I should be held responsible for these thoughts. Also, I should probably ease up on the caffiene